Strength

I have had several transformative conversations with my wife recently. One had to do with strength. She wanted to know why I have it, and what well I am drawing from.

You see, my wife is very, very sick. Her situation has gotten serious, and we are now trying to figure this out. In the process, my resolve has been tested, that’s for sure. I will say, amazingly, that I am holding my own. I do cry a lot. I won’t lie about that. However, crying is not necessarily so bad. I am kind of getting used to it.

Anyway, I used to have a pretty pat answer for the question of where my strength comes from: God of course!. Now, I am not so sure.

It is kind of like prayer. I pray a lot these days. I guess it goes with the territory of being a spouse of someone who is seriously ill. Oddly, in the process, I have kind of figured out why prayer works, and what religion is all about, at least for me.

You see, to me at least, prayer is not for God. Prayer is actually for me.

Since I have lived in a state of total doubt for some time now, I am not sure if God even hears my prayers. That’s another one: My wife asked me recently why God was a mystery. (I replied: “Wait! I know this one!”) Eventually, I did come up with the answer: Since God is completely unknowable, He / She is a complete mystery. Every experience I have ever had with God (and believe me, I have had some doozies) has been completely subjective. I mean, how can I be sure that my subconscious mind didn’t simply make it all up?

You get the idea. Since I don’t have much of what religious folks would call faith (which I regard as uncritically believing  propositions that are at best harmless lies), it may surprise you that I pray. But, again, I realize now that prayer is not for God. It is for me.

You see, when I pray for my wife, I let go of the problem a little. Since this is a problem over which I have absolutely no direct control (much as I would like to!), I simply must let go or I will take the problem onto myself. Therein lies the path which I cannot tread.

So, in a sense, I need divine help and guidance. I need the Strength of The Goddess. I rely on Her now. Even if I am not sure She hears me.

More later.

6 thoughts on “Strength

  1. I hear your inner heart, the heart of your heart knows more than your mind. I love you right where you are. No one needs to try to change you; a futile move on their part as you will believe with all of your heart, mind, soul and strength what you believe in the now without interference. Period.

  2. “…has been completely subjective. I mean, how can I be sure that my subconscious mind didn’t simply make it all up?”

    This very thought is what finally allowed me to open my eyes, and leave behind the blind “faith” that was force-fed to me during my childhood. I havn’t shut myself off to the idea of a creator, a god(ess), or the true divine force in the universe. My conclusion? If there is a God, You do not communicate with God by saying words fervently inside your own head, That’s you, using religion, and the idea of a perfect God to rationalize your own inner thoughts and feelings.

  3. “…has been completely subjective. I mean, how can I be sure that my subconscious mind didn’t simply make it all up?”This very thought is what finally allowed me to open my eyes, and leave behind the blind “faith” that was force-fed to me during my childhood.

  4. “…has been completely subjective. I mean, how can I be sure that my subconscious mind didn’t simply make it all up?”

    This very thought is what finally allowed me to open my eyes, and leave behind the blind “faith” that was force-fed to me during my childhood. I havn’t shut myself off to the idea of a creator, a god(ess), or the true divine force in the universe. My conclusion? If there is a God, You do not communicate with God by saying words fervently inside your own head, That’s you, using religion, and the idea of a perfect God to rationalize your own inner thoughts and feelings.

    • Your concept is very similar to the “god” worshiped by Buddhists, who have influenced me deeply. Famously, The Buddha refused to answer any questions about the existence of God: He did not regard it as an appropriate subject. He apparently regarded the issue as unknowable. Which is the whole point: How can I know that I am actually communicating with an alien being who is the creator of the universe? Given that God, if he/she exists, is outside of the physical universe, and thus completely unavailable to us in any way other than subjectively, I can’t. I have often wondered if there was a way to experimentally tell if a person who was “spiritual” was in some way physically different from a person who was less “spiritual”. For example, God, assuming he / she exists, would certainly be outside of the time dimension. Thus, he / she would be eternal, in a sense far beyond the idea of an unending period of time. Further, one aspect that I have experienced in my spiritual moments is a sense of timelessness, simultaneously endless and yet fleetingly brief. Thus, I postulated we could take someone like Mother Teresa (or whoever you regard as most spiritual), and see if there is some sort of temporal distortion field around them while they are praying. That sort of thing. Bottom line: Absent some sort of crazy plan like that, the existence of God is simply unknowable. Anyone who says otherwise is simply deluding themselves. The folks who maintain their faith in God the most fervently and vehemently are the most deluded. Which is a lot of folks, unfortunately. I actually have chosen and embraced doubt for this reason: It keeps me humble. Since I live in a state of persistent doubt, I will never tell someone that they are wrong and I am right: By definition I accept that I could be wrong. And that is my essential requirement to be in a relationship with me: Admit that you could be wrong. Simple thing, but difficult for many. My Christian friends struggle with this one, because it by definition destroys the idea that the bible is the “Word of God”. If it is possible that I can be wrong about stuff like that, then where is faith? You get the idea.

      • I’ve often found that simply Asking for an open mind, to be prepared to follow the truth, regarless of where that may take you, to be too much for the vast majority of my friends and family. I, like you, am not out to point out inconsistancies, ask loaded questions, or present only potentially heretical points of view in order to disrupt and dismantle another’s faith. I just belive overwhelmingly in the truth.

        My problem is that most “believers” I know have never actually independantly searched for their Truth.

        Blindly accepting the Truth of your parents, of your minister, of your infallible word of god, this does not bring about true faith. I seek only to help people find a real, tangible belief. In my perfect world, every man/woman has a Truth that they belive with all their heart, and they are content, wherever that leads them. Not stuck within the confines of one belief or theology.

        Follow the truth, and be prepared to go whever your Truth takes you.

        Always be open to learning.

        Be prepared to be wrong.

        Dont force your Truth on others. Your Truth may not be the same as theirs.

        Leave this world better than it was when you entered it.

        This is my philosophy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s